My Ideal Wake

Warning: If you are easily offended or religious in some way, I would suggest not reading this post. Still here? Well, you've been warned this is potentially (who am I kidding, it is) offensive.

I had this idea like months ago but I just never did put it down on paper, or on the net, for that matter. It's a crazy idea, but it made me laugh so hard. In fact, I had trouble relating the entire tableau to friends without stopping to laugh uncontrollably.

To begin with, I don't believe in being buried in a coffin or being cremated after death. My death, to be specific. (It certainly isn't up to me to comment on other people's practices.) It's a waste of money to pay for that shiny wooden box which will still be reduced to mere ashes, or eventually decompose underground anyway. What's the point¹?

When I die, I would prefer that no one claim the body. Leave it to the government to take care of it. And yes, I'm perfectly serious. Like I said to my mom before, death means the soul has left the body, and that body is simply a mere shell left behind, so why spend waste money on it?

But if any of my dear friends should still want a proper wake/burial/cremation for me (to sponsor it I mean ^_^, as I predict myself to end this life with a shitload of debts, so there certainly won't be any money/assets left behind, let alone a will), then please...

Have me in a nice black Prada dress (with matching heels too?), preferably with a Gothic edge to it, and if it has lace on it, even better! Makeup should consist of blood red lipstick with black eyeshadow and eyeliner, and please layer on the powder. And keep my eyes open, if it's possible at all.

There shouldn't be that grave Western silence or any Chinese religious chants/songs. Please play something suitable for me like Marilyn Manson's "Rock Is Dead", Nine Inch Nails' "Heresy", or something similar.

Ludicrous? It gets wors... uh, better.

I would like a motion sensor that activates an action whenever anyone comes near my body within 2 metres. The action would be that I would rise up from my coffin quite suddenly and end up in a standing position (propped up by some ingenious, mechanical way). For added effects, throw in some dry ice as well.

And oh, have the embalmer arrange my expression into one of benignancy (or one resembling it since I might have never had that expression much when alive so it might be difficult to form such an expression on my face after death).

Have one of my hands extended out seemingly in welcome, and the other hand in a fist with the third finger extended out. A rosary (or that wooden Gucci cross necklace) wrapped around the hand and left to dangle on the welcoming hand would be a nice touch.

Friends or (*gasp*) relatives who come to my wake, how would they feel about such a spectacle?

Oh my god, what the fuck!?

What blasphemy! She'd burn in hell for this!

Maybe something like that?

A friend was saying that if it were truly done this way, my wake would have people from all over Singapore coming to take a look. Hey, that would mean I could be on the news! My five minutes of fame.

Hell, perhaps admittance tickets could be sold and some of the cost of the wake could be earned back.

So friends, you know what to do when that day comes. ^_^



¹ Still on a serious note, I do acknowledge that wakes and burials are part of the mourning process for the living. So if there's any reason for mine, it would be this, and this only.

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