02 July 2005


I hate being fucking emo.

I cried three times in my months of obsession with Rose. That was three times over things that were said/happened in the game.

The first was over Eusoff the asshole.

The second was over Belize.

At some point in the game, he started talking less to me. He was all chummy with his new clan mates. We kind of drifted apart. In detached retrospect, I suppose we weren't ever that close?

But I don't know. It still saddened me.

I have his e-mail address, and there is still a tinge of sadness when I see it and know that there may never be a reason for me to e-mail this person again.

The third was over Kupfel. Well, not really over him.

It was over the fact that I upset him.

I was confused over something, and I made a very bad joke to try to answer my doubts. There was a bit of awkwardness after that, and belatedly, I realised that joke might have devalued his feelings, and I didn't mean that at all.

He continued to play on, but he didn't say anything for the longest time, which wasn't like him.

We have this thing where we say "yaaaaay" whenever one of us lvled up.

Well, I lvled and...

Kup: gratz

Me: gratz? that's weird. u don't ever say that to me

He typed out an emoticon (:S I think) and nothing else was said.

Not long after, he abruptly went off to a safe spot from where we were fighting, and said, "I'm gonna get some coffee".

Everything felt wrong.

It threw me into a mini bout of self-loathe.

Thoughts ran through my head:

Why do I always fuck up?

Why do I always say the wrong things?

Why do I always end up hurting people?

I'm bad for my friends.

I'm bad for Kupfel.

I slow down his lvling in-game, and I hurt him.

I badly wanted to log out of the game and just... stop playing as that character. Perhaps make a new one, and continue playing without ever saying anything to Kupfel again.

But it would be rude and prolly worse if I did that, so I stayed. And when Kupfel came back, we sort of talked it over. And things are fine now.

But I'm never, ever gonna forget my trangression.

There was once when he mentioned that he will seldom be angered by anything his friends say; he'd just be sad. It reminded me of this incident.

I can't believe it myself that I would cry over something that happened in a game. I certainly don't think much of myself too for reacting the way I did.

But, the thing is, I don't ever forget that all these characters in-game, behind them, behind the computers, there are real people who are playing them.

When I talk to anyone in-game, I'm always interacting with someone who's real, who has feelings too. I'm almost always conscious of that.

I guess I really put my heart into the game, and into various people I talk to and know in-game.


Like I said, I hate being fucking emo.

0 Old Comments: